I'm still here !!

Reporting from Bhubaneswar,Orissa: Welcome back after a loong time..(if you are still following my blog). Me got an internet access after a long time, and a good speed that is. There are so many things to write about, but the headlines - Me joining Mumbai on 28 August. Waiting to see the Mumbai crowd, the local trains, the vada pav, and my Home sweet Home.. Not that I'm not enjoying the ILP here- the time pass sessions, the superb labs, the duplex villas, the not-so-good food, the live-with-nature feeling with insects and cows all around you...(i know, its neither a climax nor an anti climax..). But the thing that I enjoyed the most are the trips to the Sun temple, Konark, the Puri temple, the Puri beach and the enchanting Chilka lake and the beach nearby. I never imagined there could have been such a lovely place in India. I will probably describe all these later, when I get a longer internet slot. By the way, I have to start my project work today, which is the most tedious part of the training. So the post ends here...

The clock is ticking

Firstly..it's too long since my last post..all those (yes..all of you two :)) who have been waiting for a post, here I present it. There are reasons though, for being away for such a long time.(5 days after the exams!). This is a period where I am still to figure out how to continue with my life. Last few months have not been those happy moments of the end of college life that I expected.(from which I learnt:Do NOT 'expect' anything!). And even in the last few days, I couldn't think of anything I would like to share with you. My brain has just gone blank. I sit down with a pen, and the poems which were overflowing once have disappeared into the air. Don't know why...

Of course, one of the reasons may be the vcn (yes my vacation is now compressed-bad joke no!!). Just 20 days and so much to do - sleep,sleep,sleep,stare,think on a non-topic,watch TV, watch the world cup from all camera angles,etc,etcetera,et al,and so on. Besides all this, I also thought of utilizing this vacation for some 'contructive' work, put my technical skills to use (as I mentioned in my earlier post, my project is still 'incomplete'), bring out some thought provoking ideas into my blog, some good verses, and spare some time for a self-appraisal exercise. Oh! Forgot to mention hanging out with friends(though I do that very rarely!!) and chit-chatting at relatives' place. I wanted to devote some time for my new-found interest in books(and surprisingly I have succeeded in starting one) and continue with my pursuit of following the happenings in the IT industry (specifically, the internet). To add to all this, my employer wants me to 'be acquainted with UNIX'(which I have worked with for only 2 months or so) before I join the training. Having realised earlier that I would 'fit in' well in the management environment (and also being disappointed with no calls for M.Tech!) and pledging to work full-fledged in the vacation towards that target, now I find even that option shoved for the next year.

With the result, I still am not able to sort the above list and am working on whichever I think of, at that instant.(And 'the instant' for this post came only today!)...Hope I complete atleast 75% of the above list in the coming days, so that I am more relaxed and satisfied (with myself) in Bhubaneswar(btw, I am off to Bhub on 22nd for my training)...The clock is ticking. . . . .

Coming Soooon

Now that my prep leave has started, and I am (supposedly) engrossed in preparing for one last semester, this blog cannot be updated every now and then. More thoughts (and hopefully poems) will return in June..(I should not even have got time to post this..I have so much to do; but you know how I am, the laziest guy in the PL). All those who wanted to read some more stuff (hello..anybody listening..), why don't you do some studying now? Atleast you'll score a li'l better...:)..Btw, thank you for being so kind..my hit counter has crossed 200 within 20 days..

Sweet nothings

NO..I am not talking about those sweet nothings that take place between..ahem..a couple [i am the least experienced in that domain :( ], but those which should not be treated as nothings. I am speaking about those words which are left unspoken, under the notion that they should be conveyed without saying -'Thank you', 'Please' and 'Sorry'. One of my friends sent me an article where a management thinker says, "A good leader should not be hesitant in using these three words". I believe, for that matter, no team member should be.

There are very few people, I have found, who 'say' these words when needed. We are generally under the belief that, if you thank a person, you are demeaning his help or distancing himself from you.(The Friends-do-not-thank attitude..). Similarly, we feel that the other person is bound to perform the task given to him and you don't need to 'request' him for that. Or they think, "I will be embarassed if I apologise". Worse still, there are people who can never think of using these words with their juniors (in whatever sense). But we forget one basic point. We ourselves will like to be thanked for our good work. Then why wont others? Yes, these words are motivational, but they shouldn't be used for that purpose. That's just a by-product. The crux is, when in doubt, say it. We should not assume that the other person will 'understand' our feelings.

When I learnt about the importance of the need to express, I tried to cultivate this habit myself. Once, when I was part of the society in my college, we needed some documents to be xeroxed. But then, all of us were busy and I had to ask a (non-organizer) junior to get it done. It was during our break, and I myself knew how boring the task was (given that we were on the 4th floor!!). But then he did the job within 10 mins. When he returned, I said "Thank you for getting it done." He smiled and that expressed everything he felt. It actually worked.

There are also people who take it to the other extreme. They thank people for EVERYTHING, whether appropriate or not. We need not be so generous with our words. Then, the real feelings will get subdued and its importance suppressed. People may not realise, when you mean it and when you do not. It would be the case of the boy who yelled 'Wolf! Wolf!' all the time. When you actually mean it, people will ignore it.

When you feel grateful, Thank. When you are at fault, Apologise. When you want some one to help, request. And by the way, Thank you for reading this post. Sorry, if you felt this was a waste of time. And please, do post your comments.

Where there is a will ..

I know the title sounds cliche, but..it's true! Now that I am done with my vivas, I wanted to tell you stories about how I trembled during all of them, but, then that would have been the same old story. But, one important incident during these was when, during my project demo, the external examiner remarked "You have done only this much of implementation? You could have done more...".And then, I was immersed into thoughts the whole evening. Could I have actually done more? If yes, why didn't I do it in the first place...

We always talk about capability and willingness, going hand-in-hand to achieve any result. And, if we are not able to succeed, we simply say-"I was not capable..". Worse still, I have seen people, who doubt their capability even before they start.(I myself do it sometimes! :) )..So how far does 'will' let us push our capabilities to the limits? Atleast in my life, I have found many experiences where I could have done much better had I pushed myself hard..(I seem to be a loser, don't I?). But the realisation after some very crucial incidents of my life (the IIT-JEE, the GATE, my extra-curriculars..) actually point to the same.

The difference between the winners and the 'others' (yes,I do hate to call myself a loser!!), is that drive to win. That lack of motivation, that absence of focus-on-the-goal attitude, is what we suffer from. There have been tens of instances where, I know, only because of a person's never-say-die spirit, has he been able to complete his task. Even a highly capable man easily gives up, if he does not set his eyes at the target. And there are always lots of excuses, in terms of short-term objectives, to account for the failure. But then, one who desperately wants to achieve can even learn the most difficult skills in order to win. The only capability then, is the 'desire'. That's why, I feel, companies sometimes openly reject the distinction-holders for the willing first-class-ers when they look out for employees.(the academic %age in no ways determines the skills, but then, it's just an example).

So, does it mean that, even if you are the least skilled but highly 'willed', you can win? Probably not. Because, everything is bound by time. You can, of course, learn the skills, but it will surely take you time, which may prove costlier than the other person's lack of will. Which means, you need 'some' capability, but that's not the only thing. If you are not interested in the task itself, it's obvious that even the best of your capabilities are not useful. I know, there are some who believe, it is easier to instill that willingness in skilled people, than to wait for others to learn. But, I feel the inverse of it to be true. Atleast in my case :). So the next time onwards, I hope my projects be 'completely' completed on time...

A tear to shed ...

My friend Vishwanath remarked that some of my poems were 'unselfish' in nature. On the contrary, almost every one revolved around me (such a selfish soul I am!!). So I thought of writing something besides my own life. (btw i have also changed my mind since none of the earlier ones achieved their 'secondary' motives). Did I ever care to think beyond 'my' life. I do it daily, but then this care is just momentary..Here's how I felt on hearing about the recent Meerut accident, claiming 10s of lives and injuring hundreds...

Do I not have a tear to shed?
For these ailing bodies, for these dead.
The corpses, uncared for, lie here,
Charred to death and mourned by their dear.

Children clinging to their mother's chest
They do not know, in total peace she now rests.
Wives call out their dear's names
Little they know he is already one with the flames.

Why has this happened to them, I ask the Almighty
You have punished not one, but fifty.
They may have been sinners in the past You say,
But such a cruel fate they met; was this a price to pay?

But even in this moment of grief
The leaders mock their death; I'm in utter disbelief.
The dead have to fight even for column space,
Coz stars make headlines, being jailed for 3 days.

My heart cried for them, it was in utter pain,
But it was just for a moment; and thus in vain.
Life moves on and I may not care. But I still ask myself,
Do I not have a tear to shed?

Fare (space) Well

As it would have been obvious, when everyone around me has only one thing in their minds - the Farewell; how could it not be a part of my blog.. The day, when we bid each other good-bye. The day where we wish to enjoy every second to the max. The day we wish to be remembered throughout our life. But, typical to my reflective (or call it insane) mind, I have some more thoughts on it.

The farewell at some other places that I observed, had been just a day. A day of blazers and kurtas. Of make-ups and jewellery. Of perfumes and glittering sarees. Of cameras and snapshots. But then, I fear that behind all this glitter, the real essence should not take a backstage. ( I know it does not, but then I just fear...).Speaking of photographs, I still wonder, why do they hold so much significance, when they can't capture memories, emotions, feelings or events. Yes, they are a way to represent all of these, but then it's a snapshot. Even a video is a series of snapshots. More important than these are the actual incidents that take place before this snapshot, and no camera can capture these. I don't deny that photos are associated with valued memories, but then, without remembering the actual memories, the photos, by themselves are nothing. You can't capture, what happened 4 years ago, by taking a pic now. I know again, that I am being too cynical, but life's like that.

This is similar to the debate of whether 'ends justify means', or whether 'a project is more important than the product itself'. And as known universally, both are important. One without the other is useless. Someone remarked the other day that this day marks a celebration of the 4 long years that we have spent together. But then, is this day representative of the 4 yrs? Or is it that if one does not celebrate this day, he wishes to forget those moments of togetherness of the past? Have we ever thought of celebrating when leave this country for 'greener pastures' with EVERY single soul who has been a part of our lives.(yes, you do have a party with selective presence, but, does that mean that you have forgotten those who are not part of it?). Or do we even think of a celebration when we leave this world?

It is also important, as I mentioned, not to be selective in enjoying this moment of 'togetherness'. I distinctly remember the day, when a person remarked this week that 'fortunately, this was the last lecture' of a senior prof. Yes, we did not 'enjoy' his lectures much, but does it mean that all those that we 'celebrate' with, have been 'good' all the times? Or there has been not a single moment of bitterness in the past? But, on this day, we learn to 'forgive and forget', albeit selectively.

These comments may give an impression that I do not appreciate this celebration (and probably this reasons my absence), which is totally untrue. Just that,we must celebrate it in the right spirit, understand the importance of it and most importantly, remember that this does not 'represent' those pleasant memories. It just marks an end of these good (and bad) times, temporarily. And before we bid each other farewell, I wish all of us, in our future endeavours (including the short term target-the exams), 'fare well'.

Opinions. Beliefs. Facts.

( The post references the reader as 'you'; it may seem to be a 'lesson' or a 'lecture', but then I couldn't put it in a better way. )

opinion noun view held as probable.
belief noun what one accepts as true.
fact noun thing known to exist as true or reality.

I know I (as a non-GRE student) can't precisely spell out which one is 'stronger' and things like that, but then I have somewhat undestood how to differentiate between them. Rather, more importantly, we need to know why to differentiate these. Everyone holds an opinion about almost everything; when his opinion grows stronger, he starts believing in it; and if his beliefs are proven (by earlier-know facts, of course), then his belief transforms into a fact. People 'give; opinions, 'express' beliefs and 'state' facts. That's why it is essential not to mix up the three. I have found people being affected by others' opinions or adapting to others' beliefs. I believe (note the verb), that we must accept others' opinions; think over their beliefs; and adapt ourselves to the facts. Remember that facts are universal and do not need an 'adjective' (his/their) even in English usage, which simply proves the difference.

Some say that if you don't care for others' opinions, then you are arrogant or egoistic. But then, you should just listen to them, analyse them and then try to find out whether the opinion is valid (even before thinking about their usefulness). Similarly, beliefs are also to be thought about, more rigorously and then taken into consideration. But facts are facts. Beliefs can become facts, only after they are proven, by logically reasoning it out. 'A theorem is a fact, but only after if it has valid proof'. But remember any wrong assumption can prove the whole theorem wrong. If you yourself can reason out others' beliefs/opinions then it becomes a fact for you and NOW you need to think about applying the fact. You need not prove a fact's validity but test their usefulness or relevance.Relevance is very important, because we very easily associate any negative quality of ours with our failure. Any effect is present onky dueto some of the causes not all (80:20 Pareto's principle :)). The software engineers should now understand why a fish-bone diagram is so important in debugging.

During many incidents that have taken place with me or around me, I have found people trying to confuse between the three and that has become the major concern. People take others' opinions to their heart and that affects their life so much that they don't even think twice. The Joshua experience of my friends was one of them. ( for all those in the dark, this is some anon guy posting some nasty things about people on orkut.) It's simple. He can't prove it,that's why he's anon. Which means whatever he says, is just an opinion. Look within yourself. If you feel even a bit of truth in his 'opinions' then worry about it. Else go on with your life. And this is what I feel is extremely essential for any team to work together. But remember, you need objectivity in your thinking for deciding the validity of opinions. Else, you will be one more arrogant guy, who doesnt change himself for anything in this world. And remember, all that I said is just my 'belief'. Yes, ther is some reasoning behind this, but then, unless and until it is universally accepted, you still need to think about this before accepting these comments.

No Man's Land ...

One of my close friends had this conversation with me some time last year, wherein he was desperately in need of a shoulder to rest his head on. His words were so emotional that they touched my heart and I still remember those moments. This is how, I thought, he would have felt and had wrote it then..

Lonely this life is, I now understand,
Suddenly I feel as if in a no man's land.
My friends, family and all are far, far away,
There's no one around, to whom I can say.

"I feel lifeless, helpless, O Dear!
With your gentle hand, can you wipe off my tear?"
I feel blissed when I see you smile,
But even that pleasure I can't feel for a while.

Come, hug me. Say you are there for me,
Standing by me, wherever I may be.
Let me feel that joy, that happiness.
That invaluable moment of speechlessness.

I ask nothing else, O pal !
I won't mind anything else at all.
The time is now; I need you,
Hold your hands, I want to.

Else I'll drown in this ocean of gloom,
Forever. My life will be doomed.
Searching for you and all the others,
My heart broken, eyes full of tears.

In eternal darkness, on dry sand,
I don't want to live in this no man's land...

The Silken Thread ...

A silken thread in my hands I hold,
Which keeps me from falling down.
I am hanging from this huge cliff,
The river below waiting for me to drown.

I had come this far with all the ropes,
But none of them are now with me.
Some I threw; they were heavy and worthless,
Some fell themselves; alone they let me be.

I fear, if this thread breaks
I'll have nothing to hold.
Thousands of feet I'll fly down,
My body will lie in this river; Cold!

But I believe in the suppoet I have,
And my hands that grip it tight.
I know it'll take long,
But then, the goal is in sight.

One day I'll conquer this mighty mountain,
Overcome any storm or rain.
Others have either gotten there sooner or left,
But I find pleasure in this enduring pain.

It's almost impossible, but for this thread
I may still tumble down the slope.
But I know the peak is calling out for me,
For I hold this thread of HOPE...